Thinking out loud..

Sometimes I come back to my blog after a break, a couple of weeks or a month, and I feel like, “Hey, do I know you?” It’s the exact same feeling when you are fighting with your husband who you have known for a decade now. True, right? 🙂

These days, I often go back and read my old posts and think about the time when I was active and wrote often and had an opinion abut everything, including parenting. Now, with my 4-year old who is oh-so-headstrong and opinionated and questions with a “why” on almost everything she is told to do, I am at a loss. I am no longer sure of anything. I am always second guessing my decisions. I try to be patient and answer all her questions so as not to just make her obey orders, and yet sometimes, the questions are never ending and I am forced to shout “Do it because I told you so”. And thereafter the guilt trip starts…

Some days, she would be my little girl, sweet, and obedient. And just when I have let my guard down thinking, I finally have a grip on this thing called “parenting”, she brings out all her secret moves. Crying, moping, giving me a silent treatment (yes, at 4!) and being a total nuisance about EVERYTHING. And what do I do? Move away from her even though what I really want is to give in and see her smile. And thereafter the guilt trip starts…

I am all about balance. My priorities lie half way between “being at the top of your class” to “not knowing a thing” and “Never hit the child” to “Spare the rod, spoil the child”. So I just nag her enough to do a little bit of reading and writing everyday and letting her play the rest of the time. And sometimes, when the whining and crying while lying on the floor of the grocery store go out of hand, she does get a nice whack from me. And then she says, “you don’t love me”. Thereafter, the guilt trip starts…


And then, at the library, a lady asked me if I was planning to have a second because “she is so cute, and obviously wants a sibling”. I have learnt to deal with this incessant question. I say a firm NO because “she is more than two handfuls”. But what I really want to say is, “Hey you! Do you know I had a 16hour+ labor to bring her into this world? And without an epidural, mind you. And then she just wouldn’t sleep the whole night for the next 1.5 years. And then we had to potty train her, get her off her pacifiers and feeding bottles. And then by that time, she was cool enough to ask endless questions. And sometimes, I have to shout at her and whack her because she needs to become a good person. I am already on a never ending guilt trip. You think I want to add to that??!!”

But, of course, I don’t say this because people would think I am crazy. More importantly, a crazy mother.
On that note, Happy Mothers’ Day! Or may be, “Happy Guilty Person’s Day” 😉

Picture courtesy: Google

The Paradox called Motherhood!

I think Motherhood has to be biggest paradox life throws at us women. On the one hand is the precious little one you have nurtured as your own flesh and blood and continue to do so which takes up your entire life. Well, almost. On the other hand, you have a life which was full of fun and opportunities until the baby arrived. I don’t think there is any of us who hasn’t gone down that lane of ‘what if’. What if I had decided to not have the baby? Imagine the kind of fun I could have had if I didn’t have the baby. Did you get my point already?

On one hand is the happiness that you see your child growing up and trust me, it doesn’t match up with anything else in life. It is something that you would only understand if you have lived it and experienced it. It is an all-consuming ethereal feeling. Sometimes you would feel there is so much love inside you that it would burst out at the seams. That this mortal body isn’t capable of storing so much love. But it is. But there are days when all the love doesn’t seem enough and the heart yearns for something else. At first you think it is a temporary feeling. That it would go away. But it comes back every now and then, with a vengeance
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Memories Of Motherhood!

Motherhood is something that defines your entire life after you become one. It is one of those journeys where there’s no turning back. Once a mother, always a mother! There are happy times, there are hard times and sometimes, really trying times. I think at some point, every mother has wished to leave behind the entire world for the child, and sometimes vice versa 😀 It often reminds me of Enrique Iglesias’ song “You can run, you can hide, but you can’t escape my love”. This love which is illogical,  heart wrenching and totally unparalleled.

I am a quite a “new” mother as my darling daughter is only 17 months old yet. And so, almost all of her memories of her first year are still fresh in my mind. So when I read about the #MemoriesOfMotherhood activity, I knew I wanted to write about it. May be I’ll forget small little things which I do remember now.
Like how during my pregnancy, we kept speculating about the sex of the baby the entire time. And then, the day she was finally born after a grueling 16 hour labor, I just couldn’t wait to see her. I asked the doctor so many times about the baby and when would I be able to see him/her. She got really upset as she was busy stitching me up and the nurse was busy sponging the baby. But my perseverance won. She asked the nurse to show me the baby to shut me up. I don’t think I have ever before been so carefree (read shameless) about my conduct or manners. But that day was just something else. I can somehow still imagine myself in that tiny labor room, stretched out on the cold delivery table. 
And then, there was this time when she would give me a real tough time while nursing her. One day I looked at her, squarely in the eye and just held contact. I still remember her puny little face with round big eyes. May be she was startled. Or amused, I don’t know. But the trick worked. We would both stare at each other and nursing became a breeze on such days. I can never forget that face. I could never it click too, though!
Also, I think she can be awarded the title of “The coolest baby ever”, if ever there was one. We went on a Euro trip when she was 9 months old. And this smart little baby had so much fun. There was not a day when she cried or behaved cranky. She was ever jovial, always smiling and always saying Hi and Bye to people in the metro. We received so many compliments on having such a happy go lucky and beautiful daughter. I still feel so proud about those compliments. Feels childish, right? But that’s what children make you do – childish things 🙂
Thank you BioOil and BlogAdda for making me write this. One day when I would have forgotten, it would be such a treat to come back to this haven 🙂
I am sharing my #MemoriesOfMotherhood with Bio Oil and 

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We are growing up. FAST!

So I have been away, again!

And that’s because I heard those three dreaded words from my maid “I am leaving”! Yes, I do see all of your heads shaking in been-there-done-that agreement. So our super cool maid cum nanny is going to her village and won’t be back, possibly, for 2 months. Of course it set my pulse racing. How would we find a new maid so soon? Would she be reliable enough? Will she be able to take care of the ever-growing-naughty little S? Questions and dilemmas of a working mother loomed large.

A few interviews of prospective helps were taken. None managed to impress. The husband is in the midst of changing his jobs. More stress. What if the new maid runs away after the first few days? Like they are wont to do. We take the next logical, but difficult decision. S needs a day care now. It’s professional and (God bless them) they won’t run away! After all, I have to turn up for work every day too. We go to the best Day care school in our vicinity. They have no seats. They said they will “try their best”!

Crestfallen, we resume the search for a maid again. There are some who don’t like us, and the others whom we can’t seem to trust! In panic stricken mood, I call the day care again if their “best” has worked out for us. And hallelujah! One child who was supposed to leave the day care in May has had to prepone and is leaving this month itself. And by (happy) coincidence, little S starts her day care tomorrow, which is also our maid’s last working day with us. God, you couldn’t have been kinder.

Also, the husband starts his new job next week. Lots of beginnings in our household. None as special as the first day Little S will have tomorrow. I am, of course, excited and nervous. For both of us. It’s our first day tomorrow. Wish us luck 🙂

When I told S that she would be going to “schoool” this week, she repeated after me “Zooo”. Well, the girl is really down to earth and knows herself too well, no? 🙂

Also, in the meantime, the 16 month old got potty trained (almost). A few accidents do happen every now and then. But she’s gotten the gist. We are mighty proud. Of ourselves of course 😛

Her latest fascination is catching mosquitoes, cockroaches and flies. She seems to be fascinated with them. But she also gets agitated when she isn’t able to catch one. The war cry when she’s launching herself in the battle is a must-see. It sends us rolling on the floor.

She has seen our maid’s mother keep her cellphone in her blouse. So she automatically thinks that her own mother does the same. So, without any warning, irrespective of wherever we are, she pries open my shirt/kurta/top and looks around for a phone. And yes, she has done this in public too. The never ending joys of motherhood! 😛
And so, in one of those moments of insanity, trying to protect my assets from becoming a public view, I ended up inventing this:
“Motherhood is when you decide to exchange your hour glass figure and fiercely guarded modesty for a lifetime of unlimited public faux pas and infinite love”! What say mommies?

I am! We are!

I know I have written a lot about how motherhood has been the best thing to have happened to my life. And how my little one is the storehouse of a million sunshines that light life everyday. However, like good things, this one has a flip side too. And that is, the time H and I get to spend together. After she was born, we have hardly had any time to spend with each other. The days and nights melted into each other, blurry with a flurry of activities. And then, when she was only 4 months old, H had to travel to Germany for work. It took me a long time and a lot of effort to get both of ours’ passport and visas done to be able to join him there. But I didn’t have too many expectations of a different life there, as I was travelling with all-day-work i.e. my almost-9 month old hyperactive princess.

H and I are travel enthusiasts. But, of course, we hadn’t traveled much after we came to know of the pregnancy. But to my delight, as soon as our travel dates got confirmed, H booked our flight tickets and made hotel reservations for our Euro trip. Something we had been planning for a long time. And so, even as I had not come over the initial euphoria of seeing him after so many months, he surprised me with the travel plan. I had never imagined our Euro trip would happen with our 9 month old. I was as happy as anxious It was going to be our first travel with the little one. How would we manage? We were first time parents, after all. And this was a new country. We had one week to settle in the new place before the vacation started. We settled in, all too soon. For nothing do they say “Home is where the heart is” I didn’t feel like I was in a new place at all. And that first week was the best ever. I would spend the day, cooking and cleaning and playing, and in the evenings, went out to explore the city we lived in. It was pure bliss.

And then the trip happened. We had quite an eventful trip. I loved the croissants in Paris, and the hot-chocolate in Zurich. Berlin took us back in time to the First and the Second world wars. But I had the most amazing time in Amsterdam, Venice of the north. I think I found Amsterdam to be the coolest European city. Or maybe because it was summer when we visited. The hustle bustle at the central square was so inviting. We saw the most number of freak-worthy stuff there. No points for guessing it though 😉 The way the city transforms itself in the night is just mind blowing. If you are a directionally challenged like moi, you are most likely to find yourself at the exact spot you visited in the day, and not know it! But the best part about Amsterdam was being able to visit the Anne Frank house. I was finally able to see in person all that I had read in the book. The Secret annexe, Anne’s room, her pictures and all the other small things that she had described in her little diary. I had read the book while I was still in school, and now visiting the house while holding my 9 month old was quite an experience. When I had read the book, I was scared if I had to face a situation like that someday too. But while in the house, I think my heart just broke into a million pieces. I am so glad Anne’s mother died before her. I cannot imagine what a mother would have gone through to see her child suffer like that.

 

Our Amsterdam postcard

When we walked out of the house, the little one was peacefully asleep in the husband’s arms. We sat around one of the numerous river side cafes to grab a bite. I think I must have sent a thousand prayers for the happiness God has bestowed us with. I worried about not being able to spend time with the hubby and that he had to travel away from us. In hindsight, God was just setting a stage for our Euro trip. So we could make up for all the lost time in the best way possible. To be able to relive our past. And to be able to make some brand new memories. We were #together through it all, and that’s what matters the most, right?